Sunday, July 15, 2012

Of Finding A Happier Tune in the Songs of Once Life

Sing a Song

I am in search for happier tunes. The ones that resonate for a lifetime and are not only sung for the moment. But try my lips to sing one, only the low and long notes of anguish come. So with all the might one could muster, I urged my self only to resolve not to utter any song anymore. And as Bill the Krill from Happy Feet 2 announced, "I lost my Will."

Change has taken over me, but I am not quite sure if it's for the better or for the worse. All I know is I am not someone I used to know. So different from the past that I had been contented with. I miss it, I miss it a lot: those smiles that came out from nowhere, the glint in my eyes that told me I was where I wanted to be, and the sure confidence in my self that gave me peace. All gone.

I wanted to go back to that olden times. But the broken steps of the past could not help me find my way back. I am scared to go back and even to move forward to that uncertain future. I am a fully capable beast that has become a cripple. I am crippled by my own desires, dreams and concerns. There is nothing left anymore for me, but to stay put and be exactly where I am today. Not a step forward, not a slide to advance, not even turning around.

A fool I was to think that I could find it and almost have it. Happiness is an elusive creature, after all. It will not always present itself to all, but maybe to those only who deserve it. Maybe I have been a bad person once, for selfishly wanting to have the things that I thought would make me happy. That is maybe why no matter how I try I will always fail. I can't find it should I look near or far. In the darkness, that failure multiplies. In broad daylight, it's a facade of a lusterless smile. It's so unfair.

My purpose in life, I always thought, is to help others find their own happiness. For a time I was really convinced of it. I was satisfied, but I guess satisfaction is not really enough if you look at it. Time will come and make you realize that you really have to find your own and not only live in the sidelines of someone else's spotlight. Someone with a significant purpose. Someone told me to wait and see, but the waiting is already getting tiresome and exhausting, leaving my soul and being impoverished.

I think I am giving up, after too long of holding it still. There is no use to all these, knowing these wasting of time are all in vain. It shames me, but I have to cry and let tears flow down my face, asking the question, "When will my own time come?" Honestly, I have lost all the will and the patience to push me through. I am so tired already of keeping up with the demands of this pursuit. I feel like I have already given my all, but I guess my all is not enough. What possible difference can one person make?

Where is the hope that I once used to share with everyone? Because I can't find it for my self.